ALL THE BUTT
YOU CAN EAT
Yes, dick. Surfing for photos of pe-n-i-s-e-s. Guaranteed to be the quickest way to teach any queen how to use the Internet. Give them this URL http://www.menonthenet.com and they'll be writing code in no time.
Yet in all those hours spend slurping around how many queens have you come across with a sense of humour about their bottoms? Eh? Not a lot I'll bet. It's just all so damn serious Mary!
So for a little Lite relief one is forced to turn to the butts of heterosexual males, who seem to get some sort of pleasure (don't ask me to name it or qualify it) out of exposing their 'butts'* to the four winds and then requesting that fun be poked at them.
Take Scott Pulver (and no, I don't mean the infamous porno bottom of the same name) and his 'Tour de Butt' .
There is definately some infantile experience (perhaps the same as that of the other Scott Pulver?) involved in constructing a page of photos of da 'butt' just 'there' in postcard perfect landscapes. No panning back for a 360' view to the "rescue gear, half a case of beer, and ceasar salad" 'accidentally' lost in some previously pristine river, oh no. Just man showing his butt to nature.
Nothing sexual going on here. Heaven forbid no. Perhaps that explains the silence to my polite questions?
More on top of their sexuality are the dudes gladly suffering the knawings of unleashed webrats at 'The Butt Guessing Game' .
"Somewhere in the Las Vegas desert there are seven men standing naked. Try to match the face with the butt." Yes, face. Their faces are on show (unlike most of the denizens of 'GayCuSeeMe') along with a feature that allows you to cast aspersions on each and every one of them and then listen to the rest of the naked mob.
This is a pretty damn popular option too. Chris, JV, H, Steve, Hippie, Emery and Smacie must enjoy being thrashed with the likes of "Butt 7 is the flabbiest. Who would have guessed it belongs to that skinny freak?" or "Butt 1 is the tightest. A little square looking. Don't like his back."
Perhaps they were brought up in one of those weird Rocky Moutains pseudo-Christian/New Age communes where the children run naked and are encouraged to 'play naturopathic massage healer' with each others behinds. Their godawful names certainly suggests as much. And why do they do it? "Don't you have anything better to do with your lives?" "No." Butt four was my choice. What's yours?
Actually my favourite in the 'extremely straight guys literally making a public arsehole of themselves' stakes is Art Butt: the page who announces that "this page does not make me a homo uhh uhuuh ..."
This, and every line, is connected with an "uhuhuh" which - I presume, he doesn't take to Aussie queens probing him via email either - somehow allows the professorial looking webmaster to connect mythologically with his Homer-Simpson-esque asperations (or past, who the hell cares?).
There's something compelling about this guy's self-impaling humour ... and stragely stimulating too ....
"When the day has quieted down and you notice a knot in your pants, have you ever said to yourself 'Why the hell are my pants so tight'? That is paying attention to The Buttening." Why yes Art. How could you know that I too share these concerns? How XFiles!
Just to prove my point about the bloody serious queens, Psychology student 'David' has a 'Butt Watch' that is not what you'd think.
"Abstract: Research was conducted to determine the frequency of who observed the opposite sex's gluteus maximus more often and how it correlated to gender, age, and marital status."
"Why a study on ButtWatching? Well, I had to run some research and why not make it fun. This way I would be more into and have a better chance of making a good grade. Besides, I always did wonder how many people checked out other people's butts. Hopefully after I've finished running my experiment we'll all know."
Are the taxpayers paying for this? That's what I'd like to know!
"This was my first experimental research project and paper so don't laugh at me, please."
Definitely a screaming bottom this one.
"Practice gets you closer to perfect so with this paper being the first, perfect is no where to be found. Besides, if you've ever read through any Psychology research journals you'll know that they are extremely boring and contain all sorts of statistics like Latin squares and ANOVAs that nobody understands. Okay, just thought I'd mention that."
I know. It's. Like. Sooooo boring having to, like, write things down. All I really wanna do is parteee and wear lycra which just, like, *clings in, like, the *right places and dance around waiting for some big butch number to fling me down and ravage me!
Back to bottoms. A fine subject for humour but not fer us queens it seems.
© Paul Canning 1998
*the ' ' around the word 'butt' are there to appease nationalistic Aussies who shit themselves over every Americanism what enters the lingo.