Fellow Astryans, I'm here today to offer my support for Resistance, both the organisation and the idea of resistance against Pauline Puppetface Hanson. When people say that you, the protesters, are being manipulated and brainwashed by other forces, they've just got it wrong. No the whole thing is wrong, and it stinks and I don't like it!
 
 

The question is not WHY young people are on the streets protesting against Pauline Hanson and the shadowy fringe dwellers who lurk behind her like stains on a cheap and nasty suit jacket, the question is why are their parents are staying at home sitting on their fat Ipswich asses? The answer, of course, is that young people are the ones who know that a multicultural and multiracial society is not a dream, not a nightmare, but in fact is the reality in which we all live. You can't fight reality, and that's why we should all feel positive today. I'm a happy person, and I know that we're all very caring potatoes.
 
 

Fellow Astrayans, those of you who vote, I ask you to support me in my quest to keep up the hideous makeup and dress sense standards that have been set in Federal Parliament. I want to show that you can have all of those things without the half-baked racist policies attached.
 
 

Please give your second preferences either to Jason Yat Sen Li of The Unity: Say No To Hanson party, because he's so damn good looking; or to Aden Ridgeway of the Democrats, because he looks so good in a suit. You have to fill in all 69 squares, but make sure you put Pauline Hanson's adviser David Oldfield last, or I'll have to spend another 500 hours re-editing his boring voice!
 
 

What we also need is an Astrayan republic, which of course means we'll need a new national anthem. If you will allow me, I'd like to put this little ditty forward for consideration. Thankyou!

Fellow Astrayans, I’ve been given this speech to speak to you here today — but I will tell you now, I don’t like it.

(rips up speech)

Luckily, I have a second copy to read, but hopefully that first stunt will make me seem spontaneous, more realistic, one of the people, rather than a loosely manufactured front for an evil that threatens to destroy us all.

Fellow Astryans. If you are seeing me now, I hope you’re wearing protective sunglasses and plastic sheeting. Yaknow, I don’t want to see Astraya pineapplelised.

When Pauline Hanson says she’s the mother of the nation, I wonder, what are we going to do when she claims 18 million single mother’s pensions. What are we going to do, because something must be done. And as I’ve said before, if nothing is done, then it stands to reason that nothing will be done.

I feel that most if not all of you here today support reconciliation, and most of your friends support reconciliation. So why are we here? Well, I’m here to give you some handy hints for the next week and a half. Because at some stage, at some moment in that time you’ll be talking to someone at work, or someone on a bus, or someone in a shop, or someone in a taxi. Pauline Hanson’s name will come up, and they’ll say to you: “You know, I don’t agree with everything she says, but she’s got a few good ideas”. How many of you have found yourselves in this situation?

There’s a brief silence — you have a moment of anger, they have a moment of guilt, which they brush away like a mosquito interrupting a Commomwealth Games broadcast. Now I used to say things like, “Well yes, at least Hitler got the roads built” or even simpler, “What, can you understand what she’s actually sayin’?” but now I find it’s best to agree with them, or at least to make them think that you’re agreein’.”

They say things like “ATSIC - money down the plughole, nothing gained. Where has all the money gone?” And you say “Yes, sure, the entire aboriginal culture’s been decimated and they didn’t have citizenship and they die younger and have faced 200 years of genocide, and ATSIC’s had six years to fix it up. That’s enough time, isn’t it?” And then they’ll say, “uh, yes.” And then you say. “And the corruption. If a few people haven’t done their accounting properly, close the whole thing down. They like it when you say that, they think you can put all the money into new cricket pads or something, so just take them a bit further and say “just like the Astrayan system of government! Corrupt ministers, wrong figures being given out — close the whole thing down! The English people gave Astryans the reins of this country a century ago and they still haven’t got it right. I don’t like it! Hand Astraya back to the English! Get some big beefy blokes, pick Astraya up, and stick in the middle of some stinking marsh in the south of England!” And then they say to you : “I think you’re going a bit far, mate.”

Or maybe they say to you: “Pauline’s one of the people. She’s not like those other politicians.” And you say “Yes, you’re right, none of them have ever earnt a crust in their life.” And they say “yes!”. And you say “pretty big crust she’s earnt, too.” They look at you quizzically. And you just throw some figures at them. You may want to write these down.

Marsden’s Seafood, was the name of Pauline’s Fish and Chip Shop. In an average year, Marsden’s Seafood turned over approximately $317,837. In the 1995-96 financial year, a wages total of $32,333 was shared amongst five employees, who also received a total of $5,454 in federal employment subsidies. Presumably they needed the employment subsidies, because Pauline was battling along, and couldn’t afford to pay them out of her $285, 504 profit. Fellow Astrayans, if Pauline Hanson is the definition of a little Aussie battler, then I think we should all take up global warfare as a money spinner.

It’s little wonder that when her first adviser, John Pasquirelli said to her (as documented in his book): “You are a fish and chips lady, and that’s what we want Austrayans to see”. Pauline corrected him, insisting that it was a “takeaway seafood store.” With profits like that, I’d call it a five star restaurant!”.

And I ask you — where has all the money gone? It’s not on clothing, I’ll tell you that much. This is the identical jacket that she wore at her Queensland election victory, except hers is yellow. The brand is Dolina, and it cost me $39. The Italian women at the Dolina fashion warehouse in Foveaux St told me that Pauline came into the store last year and purchased seven of their outfits. Now, that accounts for $273. When I pointed out that they had a whole shop full of Pauline outfits, they said: “Yes. Not good for business.” Pauline Hanson will be lookin’ for a job on Saturday week, and my suggestion to her is that she donates the remaining $285, 231 back to the ATSIC budget, so that she can go down in history as a little more than a stain on the cheap suit of mankind.

Still, it’s just a drop in the pond, because the Howard-Hanson coalition have slashed more than a thousand times that amount from the ATSIC budget, and I think it’s time that the Howard Hanson coalition all went walkees.

Fellow Astrayans, this election is not about tax. Your job is to keep David Oldfield out of the Senate. I have spent five hundred hours editing Pauline Hanson’s voice, and you must save me from the revolting prospect of having to spend a similar amount of time on 0055 David. In the Age newspaper from Melbourne, David Oldfield called me a fringe dweller, which I think means that I’m not engaged enough with mainstream society to have my business dealings investigated by the Independent Commission Against Corruption, nor to have my party’s Senate Campaign arrangements investigated by the Astrayan Electoral Office. If David Oldfield is a typical member of society, then the fringes are going to become very crowded.

Unless your Senate vote goes directly against David Oldfield, either by voting for me or the Democrats or the Unity Party and directing your preferences amongst us, then we face the prospect of National Socialist Dave going on a shopping spree with our rights, our humanity and a never-ending range of cheap and nasty oversized glasses. And I can promise you, you won’t like that at all. I know that I Don’t Like It.

9.10.98

Unaffected by the demise of her arch rival Pauline Hanson, satirist Pauline Pantsdown rocketed into the Top Ten charts in the post-election week, with her song I Don’t Like It appearing at NUMBER FOUR on the Australian Music Report Chart.

“The Astryan people have spoken,” said Pantsdown, “and it’s clear which Pauline they really want! I told her to tone the makeup down, but she just wouldn’t listen”

Cameron Thompson, the Liberal candidate who defeated Hanson in the Queensland seat of Blair, said yesterday: “I focussed on doing something for the local people while she was doing battle with Pauline Pantsdown and running a three-ring circus with the media.” (Source: Sydney Morning Herald, 7.10.98).

With NSW Senate counting also still going on, Pantsdown has refused to concede defeat in her bid for political power. “If all the uncounted votes go my way, I’ll be holding the sixth Senate seat!”, she said. Pantsdown has been buoyed by the fact that she has received more than three times the vote of any other “below the line” candidate in Australia. (Source: Australian Electoral Commission). Should she succeed, Pantsdown has also considered offering her failed One Nation namesake a job as fashion adviser.

In related matters, Pantsdown has also expressed concern that Mrs Hanson’s lawyers seem to believe that “potato” is a slang term for a “receiver of anal sex”. They expressed this in their Statement Of Claim for Mrs Hanson’s action against the ABC broadcasting the song “I’m a Back Door Man”.

“I can’t seem to find anybody else who has heard of this slang”, said Pantsdown, “and this worries me. If it’s true, then fish and chip shop owners around the country might be charged with distributing obscene goods!”

For comment, contact Martin Smith or Fiona Kelly at TWA Records, (02) 9316-4888

On the day of the very boring federal election and eve of the very flamboyant Sydney Sleaze Ball, Pauline Pantsdown will be making a very public appearance this Saturday 3rd October at 12.30pm at Fish Records, 33 Oxford Street Darlinghurst.

Ms. Pantsdown will be signing copies of her current hit single “I Don’t Like It”, which is presently number 1 on no less than three music charts, as well as performing the same, together with the infamous “I’m a Backdoor Man” which was yesterday successfully banned from airplay on
the ABC network in a Brisbane court.  

Urgent Media Release (29/9/98). Hanson’s court victory excludes current hit single

Despite Pauline Hanson’s victory in a Brisbane court yesterday, where her barrister successfully upheld an injunction against the ABC, preventing them from broadcasting the Pauline Pantsdown song “I’m a Backdoor Man”, Ms Pantsdown’s current hit single “I Don’t Like It” is unaffected by yesterdays decision and remains freely accessible to broadcast on both radio stations and television shows and to sell from music retail outlets. 

“I Don’t Like It” is currently proving extremely popular with the Australian public, particularly during the school holidays and leading up to the federal election. Yesterday the song jumped from 19 to 13 with a bullet on the national ARIA chart and is currently number 1 on three separate independent and local music charts.

Any plans to commercially release “I’m a Backdoor Man” have now been terminated leaving “I Don’t Like It” as the one and only Pauline Pantsdown song available to the public.

UPDATE. Pauline Pantsdown Chart Postions 28.09.98

SOURCE: AIR INDEPENDENT MUSIC CHARTS 
TOP 20 INDEPENDENT SINGLES
TW LW TI HP TITLE Artist Label DIST CD Single
1 1 3 1 I DON'T LIKE IT Pauline Pantsdown TWA TWA TWAS478
TOP 20 AUSTRALIAN SINGLES
TW LW TI HP TITLE Artist Label DIST CD Single
1 1 4 1 I DON'T LIKE IT Pauline Pantsdown TWA TWA TWAS478 

Media types: If you need further  info, cd samples, or  to arrange
interviews, appearances etc. , please PHONE Marty Smith on 9316 4888,
Sydney Australia. Thang Q!!

Pauline Pantsdown today expressed concern at reports that One Nation's Senate candidate Mr. David Oldfield is not willing to declare his preferences until one week before the federal election.

Ms. Pantsdown, who last Wednesday declared her intention to run as an independent candidate for the NSW Senate, is most notorious for her current top 5 hit record "I Don't Like It" and the previously banned song "I'm a Back Door Man". 

Pantsdown said today - "My preferences are well known to everybody. I don't see why David should be so shy about coming out of the closet about his preferences. It just means that everyone is going to speculate about his preferences even more".

"I also think that he should take my advice on handling the media better. Maybe get a haircut - something a bit fluffier like Mr. Hawke did, and that made him Prime Minister! I also think the glasses should go - it certainly worked for Mr. Peter Collins. That made him almost as popular as my sister, Ms. Kerry Chikarovski". 

Ms. Pantsdown is also worried by reports of potential charges being laid for payments of up to $15,000 for One Nation candidate kits. "I don't need to stoop so low, even if I would go down on one knee in front of Mr. Oldfield. But for $15,000 I would be quite happy for him to strip me of all my preferences on national television. It's cheap publicity and just think of the fun we could have!"

[PRESS RELEASE] Thursday 10 September 1998
Pantsdown says Oldfield Rift Untrue 

After yesterday announcing her intention to run as an independent candidate for the NSW Senate, Pauline Pantsdown has today denied reports of a breakdown in her relationship with One Nation Senate candidate, Mr. David Oldfield. 

Ms. Pantsdown, notorious for this weeks highest single entry on the national ARIA charts with her anti-Hanson song "I Don't Like It" and the banned recording "I'm a Back Door Man" was delighted that Mr. Oldfield had taken time to listen to her latest record. However, she was unprepared for the devastating criticism that was to follow. 

Mr. Oldfield reportedly said that the current single was "much tamer" than "I'm A Back Door Man" and that his party was "not happy" with the song. "We think it's grossly unfair that anyone should be open to such vilification, particularly by people of such dubious value...they are pretty much fringe dwellers". The Age 5/9/98. 

Ms. Pantsdown wishes it to be known that it is dangerous for anyone to dwell in a fridge, particularly with the danger of the front door slamming shut in your face. In any event, Ms. Pantsdown stopped living in a fridge a long time ago and there is no need for taunts about people's pasts. 

"People who live in glass fridges should not through stones" she said. "I am sure that there are some things in David's past that he wouldn't like to be discussed as though it was just a pair of dirty old underpants". 

"I just wish that David would tell me what to do" said Pantsdown. "It's quite obvious that I need guidance. If he wants me to be a bit wilder to make him happy, all he has to do is say so". 

In order to quell the rumours about the breakdown in their relationship, Ms. Pantsdown has accepted the challenge of debating Mr. Oldfiled on the issue as to which bit of 'maynstream Austraya' each represents. 

"We should just sit down and have a coffee in somewhere like Noosa and talk about it, or maybe he could just get us both on telly for a bit of reconciliation". 

Meanwhile, Ms. Pantsdown has re-arranged her schedule to permit some shopping at the supermarket down the road from Mr. Kennett's office, despite having no good reason to be interstate at this particular time. "I've got to be back though for my press conference at Hum Records Darlinghurst on Saturday 12th at Noon".

[PRESS RELEASE] Wednesday 9 September 1998
Pantsdown Runs for Senate!  

Pauline Pantsdown has announced her intention to run as an independent candidate for the Senate in New South Wales. Ms. Pantsdown, notorious for the current top 5 anti-Hanson hit "I Don't Like It" and the banned recording "I'm a Back Door Man", plans to make a controversial statement this Saturday. 

"At this time I am not in a position to reveal the contents of my controversial statement, except to say that it will be controversial and that it will be statement" Pantsdown said. 

Ms. Pantsdown is scheduled to make a public appearance at Hum Records - 81 Oxford Street, Darlinghurst this Saturday September 12th at Noon. 

Reporters that will be accompanying Pantsdown expect the controversial statement to be made at this time. 

Explaining her lack of detail, Ms Pantsdown said, "I'm not very good at this kind of thing. If the media just left me alone for a bit I might be able to think of something to tell you".

[PRESS RELEASE] 6th SEPTEMBER 1998 
IPSWICH BATTLERS SAY “I DON’T LIKE IT!” TO HANSON’S BACK DOOR KNOCK

Popular recording artist Pauline Pantsdown today offered independent MP Pauline Hanson some handy household hints. 

Concerned by Saturday’s press photos of Ipswich voters closing their front doors to their local MP, Pantsdown said: “Having closed off the back door, Mrs Hanson can hardly be surprised to find other entrances blocked.” 

“With her policies also barring the windows of opportunity to non-white Astryans, I’d suggest she try the chimney. If she needs some help, there’s always that nice One Nation Queensland MP who used to work as a Santa Claus”. 

Pantsdown’s second single “I Don’t Like It!” is currently rising up the national charts. Last year, Hanson obtained an injunction against the ABC playing Pantsdown’s first single, “I’m a Back Door Man”. The
challenge to the injunction will take place in the Brisbane Supreme Court on September 28th. 

“I find it sad,” said Pantsdown, “that a parliamentarian is only faced with a barking dog when she tries to visit her constituents.” Recalling the January incident when a prospective One Nation branch official was
stood down after allegedly filming a woman having sex with German shepherds (Sydney Morning Herald, 3.1.98), Pantsdown said “the poor little mutt probably saw the One Nation leaflet and got frightened out
of its wits!” 

1. TAX AND THE  MEDIA
This the most important issue facing Astraya today. And why? Because ordinary Astrayans do not want a tax policy and they do not want tax, not even 2% flat earth tax. There’s too much talk about tax. What if the Astrayan media get bored and fall asleep at the wheel, then they’ll have car accidents and hurt themselves and we’ll keep missing out on other important issues. This is very important and I think something should be done about it. 

2. EMPLOYMENT
This is the most important issue facing Astraya today. All employees and employers should sign undated resignation forms at the beginning of their relationship so that they can get rid of each other at any time,
especially if any of them are caught stealing pens or paper and transporting them from parliament to parliament. Seriously, if we all just banded together and did something, we would all have something to do, but not if nothing is done. 

3. EDUCATION AND IMMIGRATION 
These are also the most important issues facing Astraya today. Mathematics skills are way down, particularly in regards to counting immigration numbers. If people say that the balance has swung too far in favour of Asians, who make up less than five percent of the population, they need to go back to school and learn their Times Tables, just like in the 1950s, with a long ruler hanging over them. After all, this is Australasia! Alternatively, we could pick up Astraya itself and stick it in the middle of some stinking marsh in the south of England. If some people want a zero net immigration then they’re fishing in the wrong pond. I think 127% of maynstream Astrayans will back me on that. 

4. HEALTH 
Racist comments make me feel sick, so people should stop making them and we’ll all be happy and well. Bright clashing colours in clothing make your eyes hurt and then we’ll all have to wear glasses like David. I think Prime Minister Downer should do something about that. 

5. ABORIGINALS
This is the most important issue facing Astraya today. What the ordinary people out there want is a boxing ring in Gympie with Mr Howard and Mrs Hanson, dressed as Aboriginals, biffing it out. While they’re busy
slugging it out we give ATSIC their proper funding and control back, so that something can be done, and if nothing is done, then nothing is done. There aren’t enough Aboriginals and we need more. I’m looking at maybe bringing in some Aboriginals from another country. 

6. THE REPUBLIC
This used to be the most important issue facing Astraya today. But not anymore. I think maynstream Astrayans have accepted that Astraya should be ruled by queens. I am certainly right behind them there. Everytime I look around, I hurt my neck, and there seem to be more queens all of the time. If people don’t like that, I think they should go and find another country where their views are more acceptable. 

7. GUN LAWS 
This is the most important issue facing me here today at the moment at this point of time. My current hit single I Don’t Like It! entered the national charts with a bullet. Now I don’t like that terminology, or other five syllable words, if the One Nation get their way on semi-automatic bullets and some of them keep saying the Port Arthur thing is a conspiracy, and this sentence goes on and on and on, then people could associate my record with violence which is not true and is just not the case and it’s not true. 

8. POLITICIANS 
This IS the most important issue facing Astraya today. I think my fellow Astrayans know that we have too many politicians and something must be done. So let’s all get out and not vote for politicians. If you vote for
me, I promise to vote politicians out for you. No more politicians in the Senate, that’s what I say. 

9. POLICIES
Final point in the ten point plan. My advisers tell me that this should be the most important issue facing Astraya today. My policy on policies is that you should have them. If you don’t have them, or if you don’t
know what you are talking about, people will assume you don’t know what you’re talking about. So if they’re too hard, it’s best to adopt them from other extremist parties and fringe dwellers and just learn the main sentences.