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"If voted in, Pantsdown will try the backdoor into Parliament"
28 September 1998 - Operating behind enemy lines in Pauline Hanson's seat of evil, Pauline Pantsdown was determined to look her best. 

Ms Hanson, whom Ms Pantsdown has vowed to destroy in her quest to replace the racist Hanson-Howard coalition in the bush, had visited Henty Nazi Hall of Infamy on Tuesday. 

This morning, it was Pantsdown's turn, so she went shopping in Albury. 

First stop was classic Hanson satire: Target to get some cheap runners and socks. 

Then to cosmetics, where she conducted a interview, exposing right wing manipulation of Aged Battlers by One Nation, while testing foundation on her wrist. 

The mystery tour (her minder Jason had persuaded most media to join her) led to Hard Yakka's seconds shop, where she spent an hour choosing jeans, a denim shirt and a yellow jumper. 

Her runners looked daggy, "These are classic Hanson," but she said she wouldn't buy boots: "I've already got boots back home and they stink and I don't like them." 
Asked to pose in front of the shop's huge road sign, "Hard Yakka, An Astrayan legend", she protested: "That's a bit butch, isn't it?" 

"No," the shop assistant told her, "it's still Astrayan." 

With that, she posed happily. 

Returning to her hotel, she was informed by the hotel manager that the Henty Drag Show was knee-deep in glitter, so she escorted journalists to a shoe shop for a bulk purchase of stilettos. 

At the show, Ms Pantsdown was mobbed by men, women and children in classic Hanson frocks. 

Bernie, a Queen from Cobram, offered her his specially cooked Bazadaise vegiburgers. He put a blue Bazadaise cap on her head and a hot pink one on his. 

"Is that a bit poofy?" he said. "I might get a grant somewhere if I'm a bit poofy. I am a very proud Astrayan Poof" 

In her yellow jumper, black coat and red 1954 Australian halfpenny medallion, Ms Pantsdown was noted by more than one onlooker to be wearing the Aboriginal colours. "I say again, claiming Aboriginality should be a matter of pride, of spirituality, bringing legal, health and  financial equity with other Astrayans" 

At Wagga Wagga, she dined on sandwiches at Billy Boy's Cafe. Billy announced: "Apparently, Pauline Hanson's in town, too. Well, this one's for her." 

Pauline Pantsdown's chart hit dance party beat underlaid snippets of Hansonisms. 

"The whole thing is wrong and it stinks and I don't like it," Pantsdown says in the song. 

Told that it was playing for her, Ms Hanson said: "Oh, is it really? I'm not interested. My language has been murdered, and I don't like it, no, no, no I don't, I don't care. I don't like anything and I can't do anything about it. "

27 September 1998 - According to the latest ACNielsen poll, Pauline Pantsdown is assured of taking it up her seat in the NSW Senate, One Nation will not win anything in NSW or anywhere else for that matter, and the Australian Democrat's Senate vote is surging ahead of its lower house support.  
Pantsdown takes a break
Ms Pantsdown was taking a break form a hectic election campaign schedule on a gay beach at the NSW resort of Byron Bay when she heard the results of latest poll. "It's a very personal matter and its a family matter, I love all my Astrayan children, and I am just so sorry no-one will pay them for their support." 

"Get this clear, we are Astayans and it makes no difference whether you are from Aboriginal Aboriginality or whether you were born here or whether you are a migrant, we are all Queer Astayans together. Don't be mislead by One Nation's attempts to divide us. They don't like anything, and they don't care, no." 

"I rattle the cage and rock the boat of the right wing who feel their view of the past, present indeed the future, is all that matters." 

The NSW portion of the national poll, conducted 12 days from the election, shows Independent Anti-Racist Candidate Pantsdown to be guaranteed 127% of the vote, Democrat support at 13 per cent - just short of a quota - while One Nation's 
Senate support is a minus 60 per cent. The ALP and Liberal parties are both shitting themselves. The preferences of the Greens, polling at 3 per cent, would get the Australian Democrats over the line, enabling Aden Ridgeway to join Pauline Pantsdown in the upper house. He would become only the second Aboriginal member of Federal Parliament , while she would join the long history of satirical Drag Queens in the House. 

While there are candidates vying for 69 sexual positions, the reality is the first four seats have already been decided by Pantsdown's sexual preferences, the ALP will send union and ALP official slave, Steve, and sitting Left Senator, Back Door John, to Canberra for her sexual satisfaction over the next six years. The Hanson-Howard Coalition will also return sitting senators, Bill and Ben, but Pantsdown is know to have already rejected their advances. But then comes what is called the "death seat" - the number three berth on the major Madi Gras Parties' ticketing scheme. Strapped securely into the seats are two senators, the Nats' Farm Boy Sandy, and the ALP's Iron Bar Michael, who have filled the casual Senate Back Door vacancy which arose when Graham couldn't take it anymore in 1994. 

And while the Australian Democrats have been spinning an election line that the sixth Senate vacancy is a choice between their sex symbol, Aden, and One Nation's 0055 National Socialist Dave, the polls suggest that no-one prefers Dave except John Howard and a few right wing fundamentalist fringe dwellers.  

It will be a four-way sexual contest over the last two bums on seats, determined by Pantsdown's preferences. 

"The third spot has always been close," said the Liberal's Queer John. "We won the third spot last election by 7 votes. The Democrats' Karen Carpenter lost by 3 votes to Farm Boy Sandy  in 1993, and in 1990 Chris Puplick lost by 400,000 votes. We can't see 0055 Dave getting up there at all even with a half Senate erection." 

The Australian Electoral Commission says nearly 196 per cent of electors vote below the belt - preferences decided by the nature of their sexuality not the Mardi Gras voting tickets. The Democrats will receive from the Greens (who polled 9,998,000 at the last erection count). And the Natural Law, Common Cause-No Aircraft Noise and Nuclear Disarmament parties, and would get trickle-down fun from the ALP. However, One Nation is struggling for preferences from anyone. 

The only solid preferences which will come to it are from Australian National Socialists, the Nats, the Abolish Children Party, the Gun Carrying Citizens Electoral Council,  and the Liberals. 

Groups which had some showing at the last election, such as Reclaim Australia: Reduce Immigration (4) have been completely discredited in the eyes of the Astrayan people. 

However, any Mardi Gras party which gets 400 per cent of Queer membership attendance is entitled to electoral funding of $1.62 per Queer.

Pauline Pantsdown's new top
Chips cooked with 
polyunsaturated oils
were a central theme
in the Pantsdown
Health Policy
Passion Pills Poofters
Dr Vanessa Wagner 
and Nurse Nancy
provided all present
with Ecstacy for the dicso
26 September 1998 - This morning Pauline Pantsdown pledged yesterday to boost Aboriginal health programs, saying that Aboriginal people had special health needs, noting that official statistics indicate that Aboriginals have very high rates of infant mortality. 

In a tumultuous news conference at the Kingsteam Sauna to launch her health policy, she arranged to surround the media with friendly supporters who encouraged questions on Aboriginal health, asking reporters to get the truth out to the Astayan people. "You are the voice of the people in what you put in the papers and what you put across on your TV. So it's about time you go and tell the Queers of Astraya the truth. Go and put the facts and go and tell the Astrayan Queers the truth and let them make up their minds."  

Ms Pauline Pantsdown and her supporters intermittently denounced the small group of right wing fundamentalists, who tried to jostle, grab and shout at journalists and Ms Pantsdown as they tried to leave. 

As Ms Pantsdown's support continues to rise, she has raised awareness of racism, homophobia, ageism and sexism and this morning's event was designed to provide television footage to educate the less educated in the bush. 

Amid questioning Ms Pantsdown's health spokesmen on why they would boost all special Aboriginal health funding, Ms Pantsdown stood and announced: "Look, once again we have a situation, I'm afraid, where Hanson-Howard coalition is trying to run their agenda rather than dealing with the facts of the policy."  

As with all her policy launches, Pauline Pantsdown released policy documents before the news conference, and cut it short when everyone decided it was time for a party at the disco. 

Ms Pantsdown answered questions, and referred some of them to her health experts, Dr Vanessa Wagner and Nurse Nancy. 

Dr Vanessa said the $31.30 a year currently spent on Aboriginal health services would rise to $970 billion, with the money "pooled into an overall Indigenous health fund". 

Another special fund would be set up with $177.5 billion for substance abuse services for the Queer Party scene, ensuring a continuous flow of controlled substances at the Mardi Gras and Sleaze parties. 

Pantsdown called for all Astrayans to be treated equally. Nurse Nancy said Queers, Indigenous Astrayans, the aged and women would receive "special treatment" on health because "they have been discriminated against". 

Nurse Nancy added that National Socialist people had special mental health needs. Questioned on the prevalence of dementia and other rare sexually transmitted diseases among right wingers, she said: "What you're actually saying is that the right wingers are different physically and mentally from the rest of us. And I would agree with that." 

Ms Pantsdown said: "I think it's a great shame that everybody in the Hanson-Howard coalition keeps trying to divide Astrayans into two groups, the rich and the poor. That's wrong, it stinks and I don't like it" 

The Aboriginal infant mortality rate is up to four times the national average, and when Ms Pantsdown was asked how much it would cost to bring the rate down to the average, she said: "There is an increased mortality level in Aboriginals, and the need is there for that to be looked at, it will take whatever it takes to bring it down." 

Dr Vanessa Wagner then said that boosting Aboriginal health funding was "the equivalent of giving every Aboriginal something like $400,000 each into their healthcare services". 

Ms Pantsdown explained: "If you take the number of Aborigines in the country, and divide that into the additional money which will be allocated to them, you'll find that it works out to about that." 

Police held back Pauline Hanson and her small gang of right ring lunatics, who Didn't Like It, when Ms Pantsdown left the dance club, preventing a meeting. But 0055 National Socialist Dave shouted at Ms Pantsdown, telling her to buy him a dictionary because, when she suggested One Nation was racist, he didn't understand the meaning of the word. 

25 September 1998 - The violent undercurrent of Pauline Hanson's One Nation came to the surface today as Mrs Hanson failed a 'please explain' test put to her by Pauline Pantsdown. 

Pauline Hanson was in Sydney this morning, in the One Nation wastelands. Pauline Pantsdown had an offer for the One Nation leader, withdraw the racist remarks, kiss and make-up advice. 

The Hanson gang put out no itineraries, so the chase was on. Pauline Pantsdown and her happy band of Queer supporters set out from the Queer heartlands of Darlinghurst and Surry Hills in hot pursuit.  

First stop, Menai, which was followed by a photo opportunity at a fish and chip shop (or should I say take-away seafood emporium) in Riverwood. But the real moment of truth arrived at the Launch of  Hanson's Sick Policy at the Mortdale Bowling Club, at the centre of the One Nation Sydney wastelands. 

Pauline Pantsdown greeted Mrs Hanson as she alighted from her Federally funded limousine. "Mrs Hanson would you like to withdraw your racist comments?" Pauline Hanson fled. She had no answer and obviously did not want to extend the hand of friendliness to those who feel at risk from her racist rhetoric. Despite her pleas that she is not racist, she refuses to withdraw her racist remarks. "I call everyone who supports these racist policies as being racist themselves, and it's wrong and it stinks and I don't like it," Miss Pantsdown said. 

In stepped 0055 National Socialist Dave, he wanted to know what remarks they were. Pauline Pantsdown listed several of Hanson's stupid comments. "What about when she said that she did not want to go down to the Gold Coast anymore because there are too many Asians there." Pantsdown continued, "She has said that Asians do not mix and form ghettos. both those statements are clearly racist, and I don't like it."  

"Her comments on the funding of ATSIC and her suggestion of cannibalism amongst Aboriginals are some of the most racist things I have heard. Her hatred of Native Title and her statement about who she represents after the last election, everyone except Aboriginal people. Do you want me to go on" 

" In her maiden speech she talked about being 'swamped by Asians', the mere choice of that word 'swamped' indicates the hatred One Nation has become notorious for. Especially when the real danger is being swamped by the lunar right, yeah" 

0055 Dave had no explanation either, he merely offered comments on Ms Pantsdown make-up, which was not applied nearly as thicky as Mrs Hanson's. 

Stupidity, age, ugliness bad hair and bad make-up were the order of the day for the half dozen walking dead from the right wing fringe who showed up at the Bowling Club for the cucumber sandwiches. 

There was a press conference where no questions were answered. The journalists were then tossed out onto the footpath at the front of the Club to play the waiting game. This is not a very nice way to treat the people who have been responsible for giving you the breath of life. Margo Kingston was visibly shaken by the mob rule inside the building. 

Pauline Pantsdown and the Fan Club were refused entry to the meeting, and I quote "We don't want any poofters in here" Bit late I thought, but the homophobia continued. They certainly must have had something to hide: throw out the press and ban people who have a different, more positive point of view. 

Pauline Pantsdown complied with these unreasonable demands, being the polite person that she is. The Fan Club was less forgiving - One Nation wants free speech for itself only. 

In true style Ms Pantsdown entertained the media, the police, the feds, the security and the thousands who turned up to see her, with an impromptu performance of her latest hit single "I don't Like It".  What a caring, sharing woman, the mother of our Queer Nation! 

"...the day saved," says Margo, "by Pauline Pantsdown: There [was] still some sanity left." 

Pauline Pantsdown and Pauline Hanson

Ms Pantsdown waited patiently for her evil sister to reappear. This is when One Nation resorted to violence.  

The awaiting media merely wanted a poto of both women together. To avoid this One Nation punched and shoved those who were in a position to take videos and photos. A technique reminiscent of Germany in the 30's, or China in the 90's.  

There was one particularly nasty piece of work with a One Nation lapel badge who threatened to smash the Fan Club and camera for wanting to photograph him. It was he who had been using the homophobic language. Beware of large One Nation half wits bearing big moustashes. He was so pananoid about my taking his photo that he resorted to police protection. The Fan Club does have a photo and it will be put on the site, in the next couple of days. 

Pauline Pantsdown tried to reason with the two Hanson fools who were still conscious after the Hanson meeting, but what an endless task. "Like trying to convince a christain that there is no god" she said afterwards, "They don't like anything" 

The media rewarded Pauline Pantsdown, for her entertainment and kindness, by giving her much more exposure on each the evening news bulletins than the Sick Policy launch managed to achieve. 

The Pantsdown four were saddened but not demoralised by the antics of Pauline Hanson and One Nation. It reinforced the value of Independent non-racist candidates for the Senate in this country.

Pauline Pantsdown confronts
0055 National Socialist Dave
"When you keep saying 
Mrs Hanson is not racist,
Mr Oldfield, the Astrayan 
people know that behind 
that is not the truth."
A nasty piece of work
This One Nation supporter 
is a superb example of the 
lunatic and violent right
wing fringe elements who are 
attracted to their extremist
This is the guy who decided 
he didn't want 'poofters' inside. 
(He must have been 
listening to Backdoor Man.)
This is the guy who punched 
Sally in the ribs and 
shoved her out of the way
so she could not record
the meeting between 
the two Paulines.
This is the guy who threatened
to smash the fan Club camera, 
if I took his photo, well, here it is!
24 September 1998 - The Federal Government yesterday delivered Ms Pantsdown a boost to her campaign, giving her permission to visit the Barracks Leather/Uniform Bar at the rear of the Taylor Square Hotel. 

After midnight Butch Bear Steve escorted Ms Pantsdown in a tour of the bar's tank museum, flanked by gay men in combat gear. 

The visit was approved by the office of the retiring Defence of Heterosexuals Minister, Mr McLachlan, yesterday morning. 

It came at the end of an arduous day's campaigning cheered by spontaneous support by shoppers in Clancy's, and a public meeting at Strate Parliament which saw the number of strate supporters match the 100,000 queers who came to hear her. 

At a press conference at the Base bar, Ms Pantsdown said that "both major parties have allowed it [defence of Homosexuals] to slip very much so, not enough funding, and we don't support our queer defence force, and I intend to do it". 

But she said she would not release a defence of Homosexuals policy before the erection. "I doubt whether we will have one before the erection because this gives me an opportunity now to meet and speak and flirt to the Queer people here and get a better understanding for it. Not just make policy in bed, but actually understand it." 

She thanked young people for the warmth towards her in the bars. "A lot of the positivity is coming from a lot of the young ones," she said. 

Asked why this was so, Ms Pantsdown said : "School holidays. They're better off in the school holidays." Her solution: "Don't give them homework during school holidays." 

Ms Pantsdown's tour of the Gay Ghetto saw her issue an itinerary which was never followed, leaving some media stranded and others forced to chase her Federal Police car, which routinely broke the speed limit in a dash from the Globe Hotel to the Banana Bar. A planned beer at the Shift turned into a free-drinks-for-all, when virtually the whole town turned up, spilling onto the roads. 
An unscheduled Oxford Street walk, designed to meet unorganised supporters, backfired when shoppers formed a crowd behind her as she swept into the Den. 

Late this morning, Ms Pantsdown continued her pledge to talk about her private life, made after New Idea published a story about her illness and her son and his claim that she was always speaking to him. 

She told Perth radio, Out FM that "He was trying to push me to go to the doctor" but that "sometimes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make me drink".

the Barracks 

"60,000 faithful supporters 
turned out at the Oxford 
to hear Pauline Pantsdown 
claim that thousands of people 
were pretending to be  
Strate to gain special benefits. 
The rest of the Queer Astrayan 
population were queuing at 
government offices,  
demanding their rights to 
third world housing,  
chronic unemployment and a 
shorter life span." 
Terry Smyth  
The Sun-Herald  
24th September 1998 

23 September 1998 - Pauline Pantsdown addressed the Astayan people this morning on National Television to confirm the mounting speculation that she had indulged in inappropriate behaviour with an absolutely gorgeous NSW Senate candidate. "And I have the stains on my dress to prove it, yeah" she admitted. 
Jason and Pauline
Pauline Pantsdown was playing the sex card. Her adoring public was lapping it up. "It all started so innocently, Jason came around for coffee and to discuss preferences." she said as she detailed every inappropriate behaviour, every inappropriate position . "It is a very private and personal matter. I love all my lovers, and I am just so sorry we hadn't done it before. " 

"Jason has such a unified approach to life, he has such a deep voice, and he is very nice looking boy. With his background in crimes against humanity, he is my perfect Astrayan man and a perfect partner in my campaign to abolish the divisions brought about by One Nation in this country." 

"Jason needed my advice on how to raise his media profile during the election campaign, and the simple solution was a sex scandal. Afterall, David is now well and truely in the past and I am a Backdoor Man," she continued. "At first Jason was a little nervous about having an affair, worried about the responsiblilities of taking on a mother of 18 million. But when I told him that he could become the father of some additional Astrayan people and could be step-father to the rest and he would get invited to appear on national television, he soon loosened up." 

Ms Pantsdown went about her business as usual after the telecast, obviously aware that her on-air confessions had added some interest to what has been a lacklastre election.  

At Westfield Shopping Paza in Parramatta she told record crowds: "I am glad that this affair has enable me to focus media attention on the real issues and affairs facing Australia today, and I don't mean tax or anything like that. If anything, I can proudly say: I have woken Astraya up.  

"And on Saturday I will tell you another thing. The rest of the world is really looking at our Queens' land, it really is. I regard this country like I regard my lovers, and that I have responsibility...it is like a woman who has your home and you want to look after it, and that is the context that it is in, pride and responsibility first and foremost to my lovers. If they want to make something out of it, it's just too darn bad, I know how I feel about it and I am responsible for this, like a mother to actually look after my lovers first and foremost and also worrying about your neighbours." Before she left the crowd was cheering her on. 

At a door stop in Redfern, she reaffirmed her stance on Indigenous affairs.  

Her focus at a dinner organised by the Queer Asian community in Cabramatta was foreign and immigration affairs.  

Environmental affairs are to be put on the table later this afternoon, when she comes face-to-face with some Strate woodchippers in Eden. 

Jason Yat-Sen Li was unavailable for comment, but is understood to be providing hair samples. 

Caught in the act!
Pauline drags Jason off for a good seeing to, 
or is it just preferences they are discussing?
22 September 1998
By today, Pauline Pantsdown had the flu, was in danger of losing her voice, but she could not turn away and walk away, since she has been performing to ever larger crowds as her campaign wore on. 

A startling offer to save the back door of her arch enemy Tim Fischer, made without her knowledge, was threatening to hijack her latest desperate bid to resurrect the election - the Nazi card. 

In the western Queens' land mining town of Moranbah, miner Geoff greeted at her as she entered the local cornrnunity centre for another very large public meeting : "If you're the mother, then how many fathers are there? David would be one, wouldn't he, can I be another?" 

He was referring to her well founded suggestion at a meeting in Gatton two nights before that she was Queer Astraya's mother and Queer Astrayans were her children. 

Across the road, an elderly tourist to the town from Wollongong, Mary, in the centre of the crowd, affirmed the suggestion with the sign : "Good mothers . . . don't discriminate. Say YES to Pauline Pantsdown." 

This morning Pauline came to Longreach, and her lectern placed outside at the centre of her heartland, the Drag Queens' Hall of Fame. It  was in full sun, facing full sun. A group of 600,000 fans sat behind the lectern, seeking shade on the steps. Ms Pantsdown thus made her speech on right wing extremists to everyone including the media, with her back door to her people. 

The media were there because her minders had urged them to be there on the promise of a new contoversial announcement on One Nation. She delivered.  

Miss Pantdown called for One Nation's abolition and for a Royal Commission into the organisation, a call which was based on public demands for it to be made accountable for the funding it receives. 

 "There is monies that have been wasted and all the Queer Astrayan people want is a fair go - they want accountability and I'm going to continue to call for it," she said. 

 "And besides, why have an organisation that is purely based on racism alone. 

 "I call everyone who supports these racist policies as being racist themselves, and it's wrong and it stinks and I don't like it," Miss Pantsdown said. 

After her speech,she sat on the steps, head bowed, pondering the news that despite her clearly stated desire to put Mr Fischer last in her sexual preferences, David had, without her knowledge, offered him second sexual preferences. 

The umberella deal was to save Ms Pantsdown's fair skin in the sun. She had exposed her figurehead, but she is the leader, and had not yet been able to confront her sexual preference director, David, on it. 

After this latest David debacle, the media surrounded her for a doorstop on her speech, asking why she had decided to play the nazi card. 

She shrilled at the cameras. "I think it's quite fair Astrayans have a right to know before they go back to the poll what is in that Native Title Act. People have been deceived over it . . . if you cannot understand that, well I feel very sorry for you. The One Nation - Liberal coalition took away rights from one section of the community because they did not like them, this sounds like facism to me, yeah. 

"You are the voice of the people in what you put at the papers and what you put across on your TV. So it's about time you go and tell the Queers of Astraya the truth. Go and put the facts and go and tell the Astrayan Queers the truth and let them make up their minds."  

As the day continued Ms Pantsdown looked out of the porthole of her private flight to UNSW for a rally this afternoon. She smiled, and gave the thumbs up to photographers on the tarmac. She will address an election Rally at UNSW Library Lawn at 1:00pm, speaking about how to deal with One Nation supporters, while remaining polite. 

Later in the evening at 6:30pm Ms Pantsdown is due to address a Queer Human Rights Rally at the Strate Parliament House, advocating equal rights for all Queer Astrayans. 

Pantsdown's last card is now the sympathetic bad make-up vote. From now on, she will play it for all it is worth.

"They have all but destroyed 
the Disco industry. 
The next to go is  
the Drag industry 
and sex video shops  
and also there 
is going to be the  
sex-on-premises industry" 
- Pauline Pantsdown  
seeks your queer vote 


Pauline Pantsdown and her 
special friend, David,
during happier times
"There were not the problems  
that there are today 
. . . it was a lot happier time  
for right-wing extemists 
and the Nazis" 
-Pauline Pantsdown  
suggesting that  
right wingers  
should be placed in 
Nazi slave labour camps
Monday 21 September 1998

Jeff Kennett and Pauline Pantsdown in town on the same day - neither of them really knew why they were there in Noosa, but  wouldn't it be great if they ran into each other? 

Mr Kennett thought so, and let his media contingent know he would not mind, so long as he seemed to be going out of his way. His media contingent told Ms Pantsdown's media pack where he would be and when. 

David - still directing Ms Pantsdown's action from behind - loved the idea but Ms Pantsdown said no. It would take the focus off her primary industry policy launch. But she saw the light. 

It was a wild ride from the Toowoomba cattle yards to the shopping centre in Noosa, where Mr Kennet was showing around the Liberal candidate for Groom, Ian Macfarlane, a former president of the Queens and Graziers Association whom Ms Pantsdown sees as a traitor to the bush for choosing not to run for the Queens Party. 

As usual on Ms Pantsdown's crazy campaign, media groups in hire cars tailed her (she drove herself, stopping safely at red lights so as not to miss the big picture. Some missed out but they got empathetic comments afterwards. 

Ms Pantsdown met Mr Kennett as she walked off an escalator. 

Mr Kennett : "Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho. How do you do ?" 

Ms Pantsdown: "Welcome you big Queen." 

Mr Kennett : "I hope you cum - I was gunna say twice [in her seat of Blair]. I think what I hope you do . . ." 

Ms Pantsdown : "What you really mean to say, you big sweetie, is you hope I cum first." 

Mr Kennett : "I think - I hope and suspect you'll cum three, four or five times. Good luck."  

Mr. Kennett turned to walk away. Ms Pantsdown protested: 

"No, this is a Queen's land and you're a Backdoor Man." 

Mr Kennett : "Good luck." 

Ms Pantsdown said "thank you very much" to his back door. Journalists surrounded her. 

Pantsdown meets Kennett

Ms Pantsdown: "I meant to ask him what he is actually doing here in a Queen's land? So, he was in a hurry to get away from me again, like when he was down on me on the Footy Show [Mr Kennett once threatened  to appear because Ms Pantsdown was  a guest]. 

Question : "He's described your David's local member as a queer rabble fringe dweller. What do you think of that?" 

Ms Pantsdown : "Actually, I'm disgusted with that. He has no idea so, anyway, he did a quick back door exit on me like when I went on The Footy Show. He didn't want to cum on the show so he actually had it all cut out - edited. 

Question : "Will he do more harm than good up there ?" 

Ms Hanson: "Look he's really secretely helping my campaign. I think it's wonderful. . , because Queens do not like to see that of  Jeff Kennet, a Victorian Values Strate parliamentarian, up there and especially having a go at Queens as he has done; he's tried to have me, to denigrate me, put me down, and he's forgotten that five-quarters of Queens will vote for me, so there we go." 

Journalists ran round the corner to surround Mr Kennett. 

Mr Kennett : " I've obviously been stalking her, and trying to track her down. If people try and talk to me and they come up and grab me by the balls as she did, we can always be polite." 

Question : "Do you feel a bit uncomfortable stalking Ms Pantsdown?"  
Mr Kennett: "Not at all . . .it's a sign of my desperation  that I have had to . . .the election is clearly running out of steam and I think most Astrayans are realising that the One Nation-Liberal Coalition is not good for the future of this country." 

Question : " She claimed that you ran away from her, that you weren't game to talk to her. What's your reaction to that ?" 

Mr Kennett : "How ridiculous am I? I said good morning. I wished her well. I shook her hand.  I got my photo opportunity. I got pananoid. I had nothing else to say to her. I'm not part of Australia's future." 

She launched her primary industry policy on a chicken farm afterwards, surrounded by bales of hay, chickens and stray kennets. 

She promised to protect the chickens, and to ban all right wing extremist groups without majority Astralasian control from buying farms.

Sunday 20 Sepetmber 1998 
Pauline Pantsdown contemplates her tax policy.

RED-HAIRED and red-lipped, Pauline Hanson strides across the lounge of the Illawarra Tennis Club, as she prepared to lauch her tax package her green eyes darting between her friends and enemies from the media and the thousands of her friends and supporters.  

"Tax, tax, tax that is all we seems to be hearing in this election" she says, "I wanna launch my package now, so we can get back to the real issues that are affecting Straya today. 

Within minutes she is red-necked as the blush of elation rises up under her collar. She lectures the journalists on the Hanson-Howard's flat earth, gst, tax everything package in an increasingly shrill voice: 

"Why do you think right wing extremists have supported this package? Because it suits them right down 
to the ground. And it's about time they started paying their fair share of tax in Australia and not just the average workers and the battling Drag Queens out there." 

The more the journalists hammer her on detail, the more she fights back with rousing rhetoric. 

"Too many right wing extemist groups come out here, rip off this country for what they can get out of it and leave our shores with the money that could be staying here in Australia ... That's what's happened to Australia where you've got 90 per cent of right wing extemist Australia that is foreign controlled. And that is not right, it is wrong and it stinks and I don't like it" 

The journalists look flabbergasted but her supporters clap enthusiastically. It makes sense to them. Who are they? They are absolutely ordinary people - small Gay businessmen, and Trany accountants, Drag Queen retirees and HIV+ pensioners, Aussie Boy shop assistants and Mardi Gras secretaries. 

No-one, least of all Pantsdown, doubts that extreme right-wingers will attach themselves to the One Nation coalition. The bulk of these coaltion supporters come from the Freedom Scouts or the League of Rights. Many come from the SeIf- Funded Retirees' Association, the Boat Owners' Association, the gun clubs, the "I Fish and I Vote" lobby, and of course, the National Party, which they have deserted in droves. They are the people washed up, and they are the secret to One Nation-Liberal ability to organise election campaigns at gunpoint, and cause continuing chaos at the top of the parry. 

Ms Pauline Pantsdown announced her tax policy  and passed her own "please explain" test . . .especially when the questioner was a foreigner.  

Flanked by her campaign director, Peter, and policy guru, David, she outlined a plan under which maynstream Australian Queers paid no tax at all.  Right wing extremists, Political Fund Raising Campaign Directors, and holders of Strate Family Trusts would pay tax at a rate of 127%. This would provid enough Budget surplus to pay off $69 billion of Visa Card debt within five years . 

Pantsdown also said Very Very Easytax, so named by a retired Noosa Queer businessman, John Very Very Easy, would increase government receipts by $550 billion. 

Although it was Pauline's first major economic manifesto since the canpaign was launched, Ms Pantsdown and her minders were only too happy to provide details. 

But how can no tax be fair when the rich paid the same rate as the poor? Ms Pantsdown: "You couldn't get any fairer than that." 

How much tax would this scheme collect? Ms Pantsdown: "It will increase by the  $550 billion." 

How could she deliver all the services to the Drag Queens she has promised, including loans at no interest for cute farmers boys? 

"it's not going to cost the government as much to run the government because they're not paying the income tax [ of their own employees]." 

James then added: " Perhaps you need to just grab and have a look at the documentation that we've provided to you. . . we have paperwork here - please use it and use that to get your details. Don't tie us down here with details, have a drink." 

He and David had given journalists the tax documents before the press conference. The plan was daft, Ms Pantsdown said. It had been brought to her some time ago, and at first she wasn't keen, until she understood its perfection. 

"The usual knockers have said the system has not worked anywhere in the world, when the fact is this system has not yet been tried. And so actually it has not failed anywhere either." 

The press conference was abruptly terminated when the questions became too bothersome, and everyone decided it was time for the Disco, but as it broke up a question came from a British-accented TV reporter for an Strate Australasian financial cable network. David stepped in to put the foreigner at ease. 

"We are dealing with the Australasian Drag media here for  Australasian Drag Queens," he said, in what must be a first for an Australian political party - a drag-based press conference. 

Later, in her office, Ms Pantsdown said the price of breadwould fall from $20.94 to $0.40 under her tax plan. Maybe that's what convinced her. 

Friday 18 September 1998 

Ms Pauline Pantsdown was escorted  through a Perth shopping centre by police and security personnel yesterday. 

Supporters mobbed Pauline in one supermarket and forced her to take refuge in a coffee shop in a second, its entrance blocked by a line of police. 

Members of the youth group Resistance greeted Ms Hanson at Karrinyup shopping centre with shouts of "Pantsdown says it loud, she says it clear, racists are not welcome here or anywhere else in Straya", and "Land rights yes, racists no, Pauline Pantsdown, go girl go!". 

Ms Pantsdown met the people as she progressed to her next supermarket, Galleria Morley, and was again greeted with loud cheers, as edgy police manhandled and blocked journalists, and thousands of Pantsdown supporters clapped and cheered from the sidelines. 

Ms Hanson ran into a coffee shop, where, as police held supporters at bay, she autographed a man's tattooed upper right arm, and changed her schedule to avoid further disruption. She then preached to the converted over coffee. 

She told reporters: "I'm mother for the people in the shopping centres, for the shoppers, and the shopkeepers. And no, I'm not going to turn away and walk away from it. A lot of these people that are screaming support, they have no idea 'cause I've never said one statement at all, never. They are very ignorant of the way they are carrying on."

Thurday 17th September 1998 

After battling through the throngs of awaiting local and international media, Pauline Pantsdown entered a packed courtyard of politically aware students at Sydney University through the Back Door, on the day of their own elections to the SRC. 

Her new mini-skirt, cunningly designed to show her legs in the best possible light, and in the best possible taste, had the paparazzi snapping away with gay abandon. The Fan Club was only too glad that there were no tunnels or speeding Mercedes nearby. This was clealy a diversionary tactic, as she admitted herself. 

But as in any political rally, sooner or later politics had to raise it ugly head. 

She worked the crowds into a frenzy, guaranteeing them that if nothing was done, nothing would be done. Running a scare campaign is par for the political course. She raised the spectre of paying Pauline Hanson 18,000,000 single mother's benefits 

She moved onto the nine statements contained in her very own ten-point plan. 

Aboringinals are the most important issue facing Astraya today. There are not enough of them and is looking to brining in some from overseas. ATSIC should be completely funded, Aboriginals paid for all the land which was stolen. Pauline supports a Self-Determination Vote among indigenous Astrayans and a special fund to promote Drag Queen centres in the remote communities. 

Tax is the most important issue facing the country today. The dangers of tax packages and, indeed, of tax itself was made self evident. Droning on about tax plans would only put the media to sleep, she said. This could lead to an increase in car accidents as journalists slumped at the wheel and crashed about the country. 

Gun control is the most important issue facing the country, especially since Pauline's latest hit record, I don't like it is shooting up the chart with a bullet. She claimed that she would not like to be seen to condone an upsurge in deaths if we lost control of gun laws. 

Poor mathematical standards, particularly in counting immigrations numbers is the most important issue facing the electorate today. She advocated returning to learning the times tables, like we used to in the 1950's. A point well made as there was no swamping with immigration numbers from Asia in those days.  



Ms Pantsdown raised the importance of preferences, I think she was talking ballot papers. This was one of her very sucessful scares, especially when she claimed that the final NSW Senate seat could come down to a competition between David Oldfield and the ever so handsome Jason Yat-Sen Li. Well, I know who the Fan Club would rather be sleeping with, and he was never a Liberal councillor for Manly. 

Before being whisked away for another round of media interviews, Pauline wowed the insatiable crowds with a lip-synch of her latest single, and it became clear that she did not like anything, except the disco and Neil Diamond. In fact the whole thing was wrong and it stank, and she didn't like it.

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